Silly Things
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Characters
Role:			Name:		Abbreviation:

Boy			BOI		B
Fag-hag			LEZ		L
Flirt			JAMES		J
Crush			BEN		Be
Other One		CHRIS		C
Bigot			MATTHEW		M
Friend			LUKE		Lu

LUKE and MATTHEW do not have mind-doubles. Cast size 12, 2 girls, 10 boys.

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Notation:

Stage directions are simply my idea of how the scene would work. The director can ignore them, as they are almost never essential to the plot.

CHARACTER:
	Words spoken by Character
	
[CHARACTER]
	Words "thought" by Character (i.e. spoken by Character's mind-double)

<CHARACTER>
	Actions performed by Character, or things that happen. Determine from context whether they occur in real word or mindspace, this should be obvious.


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Scene 1: Boi's room

Stage bisected, real space on the left, mind space on the right. Boi is sitting at his desk, facing the audience. His face is lit up by the glow of a screen (perhaps a spotlight), and he has a keyboard in front of him to represent a computer. His bed is on the left of the stage, lying lengthways. His room is a typical teenager's rooMATTHEW: ordered chaos, piles of books and paper, clothing scattered on the floor. Mindspace is a minimalist mirror of this scene: perhaps simply a chair in a similar position to Boi's chair. The bed does not need to be a full bed, anything on which he can convincingly lie down is okay. There can be something resembling a door or a door-handle at the back of the stage.

B is talking to himself, and arguing with himself. He is also reading, sometimes aloud and sometimes in his mind, what appears on the screen. To make it clear to the audience when he is reading and when he is thinking or speaking, the actors should look slightly downwards at a point a short distance away when reading, and towards the audience the rest of the time.

The stage is dark; it's late at night. There is the sound of a modem connecting. Spotlight/screen-glow comes up on Boi.

[BOI] Did I lock the door?

<B gets up, and walks to the back of the stage. He checks the door>

[BOI] Good.

<B sits down again>

BOI: <typing> Search. Nude... pictures. Go. <hits enter>
[BOI] <reading> Two point five billion pages matched your query. Showing first ten.
BOI: Hmmm... all purple links, seen all of these. Next page. Aha, blue link -- somewhere I haven't been before.
[BOI] <reading> Lara's Playhouse, triple-X action twenty-four seven. Cum play with me.
BOI: How classy.
[BOI] Especially the way they spell it C-U-M. But I don't think you can really talk about being classy, you're the one surfing the Net for porn.
BOI: Does it have to sound so cheesy?
[BOI] Well, it would be a bit offputting if the site said: "Here, these are some pictures of unrealistically proportioned people. They're doing things you will probably never get a chance to even try, because you spend your life sitting at your computer. You can get off watching them do these things if you pay us nineteen ninety-five. Oh, and we'll probably steal your credit card number." It's called marketing. Like lying, but more profitable.
BOI: I suppose so. Ack, why am I talking to myself again?!
[BOI] More interestingly, why are you asking yourself why you talk to yourself? Who's supposed to be answering?
BOI: <reading> Document finished loading.
[BOI] <reading> Hello, and welcome to Lara's playhouse. You must be 18 years or older to view this site. If not, please click the exit button now.
BOI: Oh, why do they even bother? Has anybody ever said "oh, gosh, I'm under 18, I'd better not click this even though there's absolutely no repurcussions if I do"?
[BOI] More marketing. This page is actually saying "naughty things inside! Exciting!"
BOI: <reading> Please choose male or female galleries. <clicks> Female.
[BOI] Choose one of our exclusive models: Candi, Bonni, and Suzi.
BOI: They're all brain-dead, bleached-blonde silicone babes with names ending in "i", so not much difference.
[BOI] <tentative> How about... maybe... just to see what it's like...?
BOI: <clicks> Back. <clicks> Male.
[BOI] G-rated pictures, or members-only X-rated pictures?
BOI: G-rated. I'm just curious. I don't want to see them naked or anything.
[BOI] Not really. Not much.
BOI: <reading> Get up close and personal with our new model, Tony.
[BOI] <reading> Click for larger picture... <clicks>

<B starts becoming unsettled, and fidgeting. [BOI] becomes eager, and visibly excited (how visibly depending on how risque you want to be :-). Lights shift to indicate growing excitement, possibly towards the red.>

[BOI] Oh... wow...
BOI: Next picture.
<pause, as [BOI] continues to become more excited>
BOI: Next picture.
[BOI] What *would* he look like naked?
<as before, with B becoming interested as well>
BOI: Next picture.
[BOI] X-rated. Just to see what he looks like.
BOI: Please enter password.
[BOI] Dammit! Where's that password list?
BOI: J... K... L... L-A... Lara's playhouse. Okay, there's one on this list. Username "disco", password "forever".
[BOI] This account didn't belong to a gay guy by any chance, did it?
BOI: X-rated section... welcome, members!
[BOI] <Beavis-and-Butthead voice> Huh-huh, huh-huh, he said "members".
BOI: First picture...
[BOI] Oh, wow...
BOI: What the hell am I doing? Oh, god! Close window, close window! Shit!

<Computer light does not fade, but B gets up quickly from chair, throws himself onto bed, looking at the ceiling>
<[BOI] performs the same action, but is much less agitated, looks more thoughtful>

BOI: Shit! What am I doing?
[BOI] Looking at pictures of naked guys. And enjoying it. A *lot*.
BOI: I can't be enjoying it! That's wrong! That's gross! I shouldn't be doing that!
[BOI] Why not?
BOI: It's sick! It's wrong! Isn't it?
[BOI] What's so bad about it?
BOI: It's gay! I'm not gay! I like girls!
[BOI] Are you sure?
BOI: Of course I'm sure!
[BOI] Like who?
BOI: I just haven't met the right girl yet.
[BOI] Then why weren't you looking at pictures of girls?
BOI: I don't know. Curiosity! It was just curiosity. I just wanted to see the other guys. To compare. That's natural.
[BOI] Then why do you feel guilty?
BOI: I'm not feeling guilty!
[BOI] Don't lie to me, I'm you. I can tell when you're lying.
BOI: Everybody must do it. It's just nobody talks about it.
[BOI] You were attracted to them.
BOI: I was... jealous. I admire their bodies, because I'd like to look like that. That's doesn't mean I *like* them. I don't want to have *sex* with them. I like girls. I want to have sex with girls.
[BOI] Your heart was racing. Your face was flushed. You were attracted to them.
BOI: I just have a... body thing, about guys. I just admire them.
[BOI] What's the difference?
BOI: The difference is I'm not gay! I can't be gay! It was just curiosity. I won't do it again.
[BOI] That's what you said last time. And the time before that.
BOI: <plaintive> I don't *feel* gay. I feel normal. How can you tell if you're gay?

<B and [BOI] get up and sit back down at the computer.>

BOI: <typing> Search. How can I tell if I'm gay?
[BOI] <reading> Two hundred thousand pages matched your query.
BOI: Great. <reading> Porn... porn... porn... it's all gay porn sites! <pause> Blue link...
[BOI] <reading> "I think I might be gay. What do I do?"
BOI: ...other than panic.
[BOI] <reading> "What does it mean to be gay?"
BOI: <reading> Men who call themselves gay are sexually attracted to and fall in love with other men. Their sexual feelings toward men are normal and natural for them. These feelings emerge when they are boys and the feelings continue into adulthood. Although some gay men may also be attracted to women, they usually say that their feelings for men are stronger and more important to them.
[BOI] This sounds familiar. <reading> How do I know if I'm gay?

<as B is speaking, the actor for real-world Ben appears in Boi's mind space (right half) -- Boi is imagining him. Because this is the real space actor for Ben and not his mind-double, the audience will recognize Ben the next time they see him in the real world, and it will also be clear that the character is not thinking Ben's thoughts, but is simply a representation of Ben. Ben is notated as Be here, but he is not in real space>

BOI: <reading> If you think you might be gay, ask yourself: when I dream or fantasize sexually, is it about boys or girls? Have I ever had a crush or been in love with a boy or a man? <looks up> Who *do* I fantasize about?

<light fades on B>
<Be has come up behind [BOI] and placed his arms around [BOI]'s shoulders. [BOI] reacts by relaxing.>

[BOI] Ben...
BEN: That's me.

<[BOI] stands up and faces BEN:, they clasp hands and are looking closely at each other>

[BOI] This isn't realistic. You're straight. <pauses, then as an afterthought> Like me. 
BEN: If you're straight, then why am I your fantasy?
[BOI] I don't know. And the real Ben wouldn't use words of more than two syllables, either. You sound like me.
BEN: True. But as long as you're fantasizing...

<they lean in to kiss>
<light comes back up on B>

BOI: No! I'm not gay!

<[BOI] and Be spring apart>

BEN: <rolls his eyes> If you say so, honey! <flounces>

<Be walks off stage, [BOI] remains standing and faces the audience>

[BOI] Dammit! I was enjoying that! Give it a rest, okay? You're queer!
BOI: I'm not gay! I can't be!
[BOI] Then what are you?

<B shuts off the computer, and the glow fades. As he talks, he walks over to the bed and gets in, but remains sitting up, his head in his hands. [BOI] mimics these actions.>

BOI: I don't know! I must be crazy! I can't be gay! I'm the only child! It would mess everything up! Everybody would be disappointed! I'm supposed to carry on the family! Dammit! I don't need this now! I have exams in two months! Why couldn't I have picked a better time to have an emotional crisis?
[BOI] Drama queen.
BOI: I'm not a queen! I'm *not* *gay*!

<B falls back into bed as lights fade>


=======================================


Scene 2: Internet chat, 2 months later


The mind-space half of the stage is now Chris's bedroom. The elements are the same (bed, computer-thing) but the the bed and furniture have been embellished to indicate that this is someone else's room. There is a large, highly visible wire running from one computer area to the next, to indicate a connection between them. Chris and Boi are both sitting at their "computers", and their mind doubles are seated or standing right next to them.

Again, the stage starts off completely darkened.
<Sound of a modem connecting, and screen-lights come up on both Chris and Boi>

[BOI] Request private chat to TeenMachine3000. Hello again!
[CHRIS] Chat request from ShyGuy19, "Hello again". Accept chat request.

<lights go down on most of the stage. A large spotlight comes up on the centre of the stage, and [BOI] and [CHRIS] get up and stand on either side of the dividing line. This is the chat room.>

[BOI] Hiya. What's new?
[CHRIS] Since last night? Not too much. What've you been up to?
[BOI] Nothing much either. Watching TV.
[CHRIS] Studying?
[BOI] Don't be silly.
[CHRIS] You've found some other way of passing exams? Shagging your teacher?
[BOI] I've studied enough! Je ne want to speak a word of French ever again pas, okay?
[CHRIS] You realize that was ungrammatical, right?
[BOI] Anyway, I couldn't shag my teacher, bestiality is against the law.
[CHRIS] That bad?
[BOI] She's like an experiment that's gone horribly wrong. Can we talk about something else, please?
[CHRIS] <laughs> Fine. Like what?
[BOI] I dunno... getting to know each other?
[CHRIS] <sarcastic> Ooh, genius suggestion. That'd *never* have occurred to *me*. But we already know everything about each other that we're willing to say.
[BOI] Like what?
[CHRIS] Well, I know you're male, you're eighteen, not nineteen, and you're about to finish school.
[BOI] Ooh, that's everything, that is. You know me to the core of my being. You're my soul mate, take me now.
[CHRIS] Hang on! I also know you live in London. And you won't tell me where.
[BOI] Well, you won't tell me where *you* are either. It's only fair.
[CHRIS] And we've already talked about what kind of music each other likes, what movies we've seen recently, and which celebrities we want to shag. If we were straight, we now know more than enough about each other for one of us to get the other one pregnant.
[BOI] I bet you can't remember all that stuff though.
[CHRIS] Test me!
[BOI] Okay. Who's my favourite singer?
[CHRIS] Easy! Madonna. But your favourite *group* is A1, and you think the one with the floppy hair is the gay one.
[BOI] His name is Ben. Eeek! How do you remember all that stuff? Stalker!
[CHRIS] Don't flatter yourself. If I wanted to stalk someone, I could have found someone famous, or at least with better taste in music. Anyway, you know all the same stuff about me, or at least I told you that stuff. And I'm not sure how somebody who knows the names, ages, birthdays and favourite colours of all five members of A1 gets to call *me* a stalker.
[BOI] That's just being a fan! You're a *stalker*. I bet you're some creepy sixty year old guy sitting alone at home, wanking off in your boxers. You just want to know where I live so you can come around and stalk me in person.
[CHRIS] Apart from the bit about being sixty, that's actually true. Especially the creepy part.
[BOI] See? It only makes sense.
[CHRIS] So how are we supposed to get to know each other better if you won't tell me anything I don't already know?
[BOI] Well, you could tell me stuff about *you*.
[CHRIS] So the same logic doesn't apply in my case?
[BOI] It's not the same! You're out! I'm not! I can't risk anybody finding out!
[CHRIS] I'm only partially out. I haven't told my parents, or anybody at school. And anyway, how do I know *you're* not a stalker?
[BOI] A real stalker would try to get you to accidentally reveal it. No stalker would be dumb enough to actually ask you outright.
[CHRIS] <sarcastic> Convincing. But how would you know how a real stalker would behave unless you are one? Aha!
[BOI] Because I chat to other people online than you. You remember BradPitt15, that guy I was telling you about?
[CHRIS] Vaguely.
[BOI] I found out from Rob22 that he's actually, like, this big fat balding guy.
[CHRIS] And Chad found this out how?
[BOI] They met up, or something. In real life. At a bar in London, Ardos I think it was?
[CHRIS] Isn't Rob22 the one who greets people by asking if they want to fuck?
[BOI] Yeah...
[CHRIS] So in other words, Rob -- who says he's 22 -- arranged to "meet up" with somebody who claimed to be 15? And you're calling Brad the dodgy one?
[BOI] Okay, so they're both pretty dodgy.
[CHRIS] Anyway, what does this prove? Rob could be lying just as easily as Brad. Cyber-bitchfights are so distasteful. Especially when I'm pretty sure all parties involved are actually 13, and probably straight.
[BOI] Fine! I concede the point. A measure of blind trust is involved here. But all that does is argue my side.
[CHRIS] Don't worry, it's okay, I'll tell you everything there is to know about me. Shall I fax you my credit card details?
[BOI] You have a credit card?
[CHRIS] No, not really. Or a fax machine, for that matter. You'll have to think of another way to get access to porn.
[BOI] That's not what I meant. You just like to twist my words around.
[CHRIS] <flirtatiously> Well, in the absence of anything else to twist...
[BOI] Flirt.
[CHRIS] Tease.
[BOI] Slag.
[CHRIS] Virgin!
[BOI] Hey! Below the belt!
[CHRIS] I certainly hope so.
[BOI] Dammit!
[CHRIS] You need to think more carefully about what you say before you say it, or you just lay yourself open to sarcasm. You're not really gay until you can hold your own in an all-out bitchfest.
[BOI] Since when were you my personal homosexuality tutor?
[CHRIS] Well, you can look like an idiot if you *want* to...
[BOI] Anyway, how do you become the expert?
[CHRIS] I've been going to clubs for about six months now. That's a lot longer than you've even known you're gay! Also, I'm smarter than you. And probably better looking, although that's not relevant to this argument.
[BOI] Oh, shut up. Anyway, I've been chatting for two months. That's long enough to pick up a lot.
[CHRIS] Are you still working up the courage to come out to your fag-hag? What's her name again?
[BOI] Lez. <stops> And she's not my fag-hag! She's not a hag, and I'm not a fag!
[CHRIS] I thought you said you knew everything about being queer now!
[BOI] No I didn't, I just said I know enough. What's wrong with what I just said, anyway?
[CHRIS] "Fag-hag" isn't an insult anymore.
[BOI] <sarcastic> Oh yeah, it sounds really friendly!
[CHRIS] A fag-hag used to be an insult, but nowadays it's more of a term of endearment. Gay guys tend to have best friends who are girls -- it's not a rule, it's just pretty common. Your fag-hag is just your closest female friend.
[BOI] Well, then she's still not my fag-hag.
[CHRIS] How come?
[BOI] One of her best friends is this guy called James. He's gay. *Very* gay. She's *his* fag-hag.
[CHRIS] Ooh, you have a special multi-fag hag. They're valuable, because it means you can shag all their other friends and then have amusing evenings at nightclubs where she has to keep moving from room to room to avoid you all seeing each other and having huge bitchfights.
[BOI] Eeek! That sounds horrible. I definitely don't want that.
[CHRIS] Is this James person cute?
[BOI] Oh... kinda.
[CHRIS] Are you interested?
[BOI] Oh, he wouldn't be interested. He's, like, King of the Homosexuals.
[CHRIS] Queen.
[BOI] Fine, Queen of the Homosexuals. Always on his mobile, out to a different club every night, always talking about his latest shag. He wouldn't look twice at me.
[CHRIS] Hark, is that hero worship I hear?
[BOI] No way.
[CHRIS] But are you interested?
[BOI] Well, he's pretty cute. Maybe.
[CHRIS] Is Lez really her name?
[BOI] Why? Do you know her?
[CHRIS] No... it's just kind of an odd name.
[BOI] It's short for Lesley, but only her mom calls her that.
[CHRIS] Is she straight?
[BOI] Yeah.
[CHRIS] You sure? Does she have a boyfriend?
[BOI] No... but believe me, she's straight.
[CHRIS] Okay. But it would have been really funny is she was a lesbian.
[BOI] Why?
[CHRIS] A lesbian called Lez? Do I have to draw pictures? It'd be like a gay guy called "Fag".
[BOI] <laughs> Okay, I get it. I really hate the word "fag".
[CHRIS] How come? I quite like it. It's short and sweet, and unlike plain old "gay", it's male-specific. And it also has amazing rhyming potential for witty insults involving words like "drag" and "slag". And of course, "hag".
[BOI] I don't know... it just sounds sort of *coarse*. It sounds like a built-in insult.
[CHRIS] Insults are what you make of them. In Japanese, the word "shit" means "flower" or something.
[BOI] I bet that's not true.
[CHRIS] Okay, it's not, but something like that. Honestly.
[BOI] You're full of flower. And, if you think she's got an odd name, you'd really crack up if you heard mine.
[CHRIS] Oh? What's your name then?
[BOI] I'm not telling you that!
[CHRIS] Oh, come *on*. Just tell me your first name! I can't look you up based on your first name alone!
[BOI] It's distinctive! You might know me in real life!
[CHRIS] Earth to Shy! We're in *London*. 10 million people! What's the odds of us living anywhere even close to each other, far less knowing each other?
[BOI] Not unless you tell me yours.
[CHRIS] Fine! But you have to say first, I asked first.
[BOI] Oh, the maturity.
[CHRIS] Whatever. So what's your name?
[BOI] It's Boi. Now yours?
[CHRIS] <looks briefly surprised, but Boi can't actually see this -- perhaps Chris in real space should make a surprised noise> It's Jake. Is that really your name? B-O-I? How do you pronounce that?
[BOI] As in B-O-Y, as in Boy and Girl. And spare me the jokes. "Oh boi", "Boi oh Boi", "Boi next door"...
[CHRIS] "Boi's 2 Men"? It could be a sitcom about you living in a threesome.
[BOI] Okay, that one's new.
[CHRIS] Is it short for anything? What's the origin?
[BOI] Nope, it's just Boi. And it didn't come from anywhere, my mom just liked the name. She thought it was unique. I think it's clear she was doing drugs at the time, but she won't admit to that.
[CHRIS] Well, it's certainly unique. And usefully descriptive! At least she didn't call you "Goil".
[BOI] Thanks a lot. Is your name really Jake?
[CHRIS] Yeah. What makes you think it wouldn't be?
[BOI] Dunno, just thought I'd ask. I didn't picture you as a Jake.
[CHRIS] Did you know it's 2am? And you have an exam tomorrow?
[BOI] Oh, flower! I'm knackered, but mom and dad were up late watching a movie, so I couldn't go online or they'd know.
[CHRIS] Why don't you want your parents to know you're online?
[BOI] They like to come and see what I'm doing when I'm online. And I can't say "oh, I'm chatting to all these homosexuals. Incidentally, I'm a raging homo myself."
[CHRIS] True. But you didn't answer my question: have you come out to Lez yet?
[BOI] No. I want to, but I keep putting it off.
[CHRIS] Nervous?
[BOI] Of course! But it's stupid, because she's like James' best friend, so it's not like she's homophobic.
[CHRIS] Of course, she might simply be James' best friend by a process of elimination, since he slept with and then dumped all his other friends.
[BOI] How the heck do you know that? Have you met him?
[CHRIS] It just sounds like the kind of thing he'd do. And you said he's cute. Cute gay guys soon work out the way things are and dump people the moment the sex slows down.
[BOI] That's cruel.
[CHRIS] But not unusual. James sounds like a right scene queen.
[BOI] Scene queen?
[CHRIS] Have you learnt nothing in the last 2 months? A scene queen is, like, a gay guy who concentrates on going out. And getting laid. And looking cool. They're not big on original thoughts. They don't go online much, and when they do they type really badly, it's like talking to someone with a debilitating speech impediment that everyone's too polite to mention.
[BOI] To be honest, most of my online conversations other than with you have been hour long dissuasions of people determined to fuck me. Not very interesting.
[CHRIS] I'm afraid you're going to be sorely disappointed in most conversations when you start going out to clubs, then.
[BOI] What about you, do you have a fag-hag?
[CHRIS] Sadly, I am hagless -- it made coming out a lot harder, and going to clubs alone was *terrifying* until I knew a few people.
[BOI] If you're going out anyway, why don't you come out to everyone else?
[CHRIS] I have no reason to come out at school, and it would only be a hassle. And my parents wouldn't take it too well. What about yours?
[BOI] I don't even want to think about it.
[CHRIS] But at least you have Lez! You should take advantage of her!
[BOI] What?
[CHRIS] Bad choice of words. You know what I mean.
[BOI] In any case, I have to get some sleep now, I need to be at least conscious during the exam.
[CHRIS] It would certainly make a welcome change. Goodnight!
[BOI] Bye!

<lights fade>


================================================================


Scene 3: Phone conversation.

The two halves of the stage are bedrooms again, Boi's on the left, with Lez's bed on the right of the stage in the same alignment as Boi's (so that when sitting on their beds, they are facing each other). Boi has a little thinking to do, so [BOI] is now standing at the back of the left half of the stage. Boi and Lez are both in bed.

<light gradually increases to daylight levels as this scene goes on>
<sound of alarm clock ringing>

<B slaps alarm clock next to bed. Alarm stops>
[BOI] Five more minutes.

<lights go down for 12(ish) seconds. Alarm clock rings again, B hits it again>

[BOI] Just ten more.

<lights go down again for 10(?) seconds. Alarm again.>

[BOI] I'll skip breakfast.

<as before>

[BOI] I don't need to bathe. I'm clean. I bathed yesterday. Morning. Oh, damn, exam this morning! I should revise. Oh...

<B sits up and pauses, remembering>

[BOI] I guess even gay guys have to revise. <sighs> Oh boy. I need to talk to Lez. It's only French, anyway. Where the hell is the phone?

<[BOI] exits>
<B reaches for phone, a portable phone under his bed. Finds it, dials number. He holds it to his ear and gets out of bed, beginning to get dressed with stuff thrown around, or possibly hanging from the chair>
<phone rings on right half of stage>
<L wakes up as the phone rings, gropes for the phone, a little mobile, looks at screen, opens it to answer>

LEZ: Hello Boytoy, what's up? <looks at her wrist, she's not wearing a watch> Hmm, it's a quarter to mole. Where's my watch?
<reaches under bed, retrieves clock>
LEZ: Damn, is it really 9am already? I should be getting up, good thing you called. What on earth are *you* doing up this early, anyway?

<L gets up and begins to dress, accidentally mimicing B's actions in getting dressed to some extent>

BOI: We *do* have an exam at one today, you know.
LEZ: Yeah, thanks, Boi, I'd completely forgotten one of the more important events of my adolescent life.
BOI: No need for sarcasm. You *were* still in bed.
LEZ: Oh, but there's always need for sarcasm, Boytoy. It's such fun.
BOI: The lowest form of humour.
LEZ: If it were any higher, you wouldn't get it, darling.
BOI: Don't bitch. You've been hanging out with James too much.
LEZ: Cheer up, Boi! Last exam! Hooray! The end of school as we know it!
BOI: Only for you! My last economics exam is on Friday.
LEZ: Well, don't expect me to delay my celebrations for two days. James and I are going out to celebrate, he's taking me clubbing somewhere, apparently.
BOI: You know, you complain about not having a boyfriend, but all you do is go to gay clubs with James. They're not exactly fertile pulling-grounds, you know. Well, not if you're a girl.
LEZ: Not if you're a *straight* girl. Gay men may have the reputation, but lesbians are *persistent*. You just cannot persuade them you're straight. Anyway, if I met someone in a club, then they'd be the wrong kind of person. Long lasting relationships do not start on the basis of how tight my boob tube is.
BOI: I guess so. Lez... I'm up early for another reason. It's why I called.
LEZ: Oh yeah, you probably did have some reason other than waking me up. What?
BOI: Um... you know James?
LEZ: Yes, darling, I was just talking about him, so I think it's clear that we're acquainted. What about him? What's he done now?
BOI: Well, it's not really about him as such... just that we sort of have something in common....

<she takes a bottle and attempts to apply it to her underarm, then bursts out laughing>

BOI: <startled> What? It's not funny!
LEZ: Oh, nothing, sorry... I just tried to deodorize with multivitamins. Damn, where's my deodorant?

<L searches under the bed with her phone still to her ear, she has her head underneath the bed>

LEZ: What did you just say? What's not funny? And what do you have in common with James?
BOI: Lez... I think I'm gay.

<Lez jumps up, whacking the back of her head on the underside of the bed>

LEZ: Ow! Ow! Dammit! I've hit my head. WHAT did you just say?
BOI: <tiny voice> I said... I think I might be... gay.
LEZ: Oh... oh, wow! Ouch, that really HURT! You're supposed to ask if people if they're sitting down before telling them that kind of shit, Boi! 95% of household accidents occur as a result of badly-planned coming-out episodes!
BOI: <laughs> Lez! I'm serious!
LEZ: I'm not doubting you, Boi, I'm dealing with serious shock by joking about it, I'm sure Freud would have something to say about me. Ow again. So... wow. How long have you known?

<they both put on some clothing during this conversation, and once they are fully dressed, lie back on their beds>

BOI: Um... a pretty long time. I've kind of been thinking it for about a year or so, and I really admitted it to myself about two months ago. You're the first person I've told -- in real life.
LEZ: Wow, Boi, I'm really flattered. And, well, I'll spare you all the usual questions, since I've asked them all of James already.
BOI: No, no, ask me! I need to get practice at this kind of thing!
LEZ: Homosexuality 101?
BOI: How to be a fag, in three easy lessons.
LEZ: <giggles> Sounds like you're learning pretty quickly!
BOI: I've been talking to people online; picked up the basics.
LEZ: Okay... so when was the first time you thought you might be gay?
BOI: Remember when we went to see the Matrix?
LEZ: <singsong> Ooh, ooh, Kea-nu, what I wouldn't do to you... as long ago as that?
BOI: <embarrassed giggle> Yeah. I didn't realise it at the time though... I just had weird dreams afterwards.
LEZ: Well, at least you have taste! What's the next question... hmm... how did you know?
BOI: I don't! I didn't... I'm still not sure. But I *think* I'm gay.
LEZ: So you're attracted to guys.
BOI: Ye-es...
LEZ: Sexually?
BOI: Hell yes.
LEZ: Do you like girls?
BOI: Well... yes.
LEZ: Sexually?
BOI: ...not... *really*...
LEZ: I'm not hearing a lot of uncertainty here, Boi. You sound pretty gay to me. <giggles again>
BOI: Well of course if you put it like that! It's just that I'm not really used to the idea yet. But it feels really *right*, you know what I mean? A lot of stuff makes sense now.
LEZ: I remember James talking about that.
BOI: James stopped talking on his mobile long enough to say that?
LEZ: Stop it! James is lovely. Hang on a moment... you realise you're calling my mobile, don't you? It's peak rates at the moment, this is costing you a bloody fortune!
BOI: I don't pay the bill, I'm on my parents' landline.
LEZ: Nice to see you care about your parents finances.
BOI: It's their fault for not giving me a phone of my own. I really need a mobile!
LEZ: Especially *now*!
BOI: Why?
LEZ: Boi! They're like a homosexual membership card! You can't be properly gay without one. And you have to customize the face and get a cheesy ring tone by ABBA or something.
BOI: Ugh... I don't think I can stand that. That's one of the reasons why I'm not sure I'm gay. I can't *stand* ABBA, I thought it was mandatory! I do need a mobile though.
LEZ: We'll go shopping for one after your last exam. And you can buy some camp clothes! It'll be fantastic!
BOI: Lez! I don't want to wear camp clothes! I'm not *camp*!
LEZ: Of course not. And you know what else? The Pope? He's not Catholic. I swear to God.
BOI: Le-ez!
LEZ: I'm just joking, paranoid-boy! Don't worry. But we will go shopping on Friday, okay? And get you a phone to celebrate the end of term.
BOI: Fine. Mum said she'd give me some money after exams.
LEZ: Cool. Let's see... more questions. Anybody you fancy at school?
BOI: Lez!
LEZ: Do you have to keep saying my name like that? I'm just asking! You don't have to say!
BOI: Okay, I won't say then.
LEZ: There IS! Ooh, goody! Come on, tell me tell me tell me! I'm not going to tell anybody!
BOI: Of course you are. I bet you tell James the moment I'm off the phone.
LEZ: Okay, I won't. Tell me, please Boi!
BOI: Well... you know Ben?
LEZ: You *do* have taste! He's really fit. Bit thick, mind. Not up there in the upper reaches of academia, on topics like anything other than footie, for instance.
BOI: Don't be mean! But I know what you mean. He's still gorgeous, though.
LEZ: Eye candy. Especially since he's probably straight.
BOI: Who tipped you off? His third girlfriend?
LEZ: Hey! I'm the one who gets to be sarcastic. So, Ben. Nobody else? Not James?
BOI: Well... I'm not sure. He's really... pretty. But he's a bit of an arse. He's so... stereotypical! He listens to all the gay music, he wears those camp clothes all the time, and he sounds so GAY all the time! He likes ABBA!
LEZ: <louder, defensive> So?
BOI: But does he really *like* doing all that stuff? Or does he just do it because it's, y'know, expected of him?
LEZ: You know, I think he really does. With some of his friends you can tell they're putting it on for his benefit, or for the club they're in, or their boyfriend. But really, he DOES like all that kind of stuff. Anyway, YOU love Madonna, and you own all the Steps albums, so are you really in a position to criticize?
BOI: Okay, point taken. I still say Steps were talented artists, though.
LEZ: I'm *not* arguing that again. So... I guess you don't want me to set you and James up on a date? He's single at the moment! <pauses> Well, I think so anyway, he went out last night so you never know.
BOI: No! Lez! Don't tell him! You can't tell anyone!
LEZ: Okay, okay! I won't tell anyone, unless you give me permission.
BOI: He went out last night? Doesn't he have an exam with us today?
LEZ: I don't think he's particularly bothered. Anyway, he's really *good* at French, possibly a side effect of all that snogging. Are you going to tell *anyone* else?
BOI: I don't think so. Not for a while. I need to... get used to it, first.
LEZ: No clubbing with James?
BOI: <uncertain> Well...
LEZ: Oh, come on, you HAVE to! It's so great! And *masses* of delicious looking guys... gay guys, too! You'd love it! You could pull a Nathan!
BOI: A what?
LEZ: You know Nathan, from Queer as Folk? He has clones, I swear. They infest gay clubs, like cute rats. In sleeveless tops, with glitter.
BOI: Give me some time, okay? That's moving way too fast!
LEZ: Okay, I won't rush you. You have until Saturday afternoon to decide.
BOI: Lez! Anyway, it's not like James would even be *interested* in me... <surreptitiously interested> would he?
LEZ: Oh, Boi! You know you're cute, I've told you enough! If you weren't my best friend we'd have been dating for ages. <pauses> Good thing we didn't start when we discussed it, really, or I'd be heartbroken now and crying down the phone to a Samaritan or something. God, that could have been a nightmare!
BOI: Ah! Now I can finally ask you! Now you know why *I* decided we shouldn't try dating. But what was your reason? I can finally ask without it sounding like I'm hurt or something.
LEZ: You were thinking you might be gay that long ago?
BOI: That's only about six months....
LEZ: Still, that's a long time to be confused! Poor you! You should have told me ages ago!
BOI: I know, I'm sorry. But you know now... so, what's the reason?
LEZ: I don't really know, Boi... honestly. I've just never really felt that way about you. I never got any signals from you. I guess I kind of knew deep down you weren't interested, so I didn't bother to get interested in you.
BOI: Hmmm... okay, I'll accept that. But my masculine pride is still injured.
LEZ: You don't get to have masculine pride anymore, you're gay! Gay pride only from now on!
BOI: Lez!
LEZ: <laughs again> Oh, don't be so sensitive.
BOI: By the way, don't we have a little thing called a French exam? In about three hours?
LEZ: Oh, pish! This is much more interesting! But I think I have covered most of the major questions, since you haven't had sex yet that *I* know about.
BOI: Oh god... don't get me thinking about that! That's still really scary!
LEZ: Oh... what's so scary?
BOI: Are you nuts! Everything! AIDS! Con--
LEZ: <interrupts sharply> HIV.
BOI: Sorry. You know what I mean. HIV. Condoms. What guys actually *do* in bed. What you talk about afterwards. I really don't think I could ever go... all the way. It's way too scary. It's pretty much the same for girls, I guess.
LEZ: I know what you mean. I hadn't thought of it that way before. Anyway, if you're still so-so on even going to a gay club, then I don't think penetrative sex is going to be an issue for you for quite some time.
BOI: Agh! Don't even mention it!
LEZ: Why not? There's nothing to be embarrassed about, there's nothing wrong with it! Say it with me: anal sex, anal sex, anal sex!
BOI: Good lord...
LEZ: <sing-song voice> Anal sex is fun! Anal sex is great! Anal sex feels good! When I do it with my mate!
BOI: <whining> Le-ez!
LEZ: Okay, I'll stop. But will you remember?
BOI: I'll try... but it's hard not to feel... guilty, you know? Like I'm betraying my parents or something. Oh god... what are mom and dad going to say? I can't tell them!
LEZ: Boi, your parents grew up in the 70's. I really don't think they care who you have sex with as long as you wear a condom.
BOI: Stop mentioning sex!
LEZ: I can't help it! That's the only thing we can talk about that's changed! You're not proposing any major lifestyle change here. You used to never have sex with girls, now you've never had sex with a guy. You haven't moved anywhere, Boi, you're just facing the other way!
BOI: And what about everyone at school? I can't tell any of them either.
LEZ: Now you're just being silly. Everyone we know watched Queer as Folk, half of them have it on tape! Being gay isn't going to faze them. To get any shock value at all you'd have to be shagging sheep or something. *And* putting it on I shag sheep dot com.
BOI: I'm not so sure about that.
LEZ: You flatter yourself! People are much less interested in where you place your penis than you seem to imagine.
BOI: I'm ignoring that. Lez, I'm really worried about mom and dad. They have plans for me, and I'm not going to do any of them now. No grandkids.
LEZ: Unless you adopt, or something like that. It's not impossible.
BOI: Oh boy. I suppose so. But that's far too much in the future, now. I don't want to plan past next week.
LEZ: Well then, next week is that big end-of-school party. Thought about that yet?
BOI: Dammit, no.
LEZ: For instance, who are you going to take?
BOI: I dunno. I'll just go by myself. Especially *now*. No change there, like you said. Who were you thinking of? Just about every single male in our year wants to take you; and a few of the taken ones wouldn't mind either.
LEZ: Oh, don't be silly. Anyway, I don't fancy any of them. But I have to take *someone*, or I'll look really snobbish. I'd take James, but he's not sure if he's going to go at all.
BOI: Then why don't we go together?
LEZ: Really? Okay! I'd like that. I didn't think you'd want to do that, that's why I didn't suggest it.
BOI: Why not? Unless Ben has a major change of heart, there's nobody I'm going to be going with.
LEZ: <grins down the phone> Awww, Boytoy has a crush! Fine. <looks at watch> Anyway, I really SHOULD get ready now. See you at school.
BOI: Bye. And don't tell anyone!

<lights fade on B's side of the stage as he hangs up>

LEZ: <giggles> Now I'm a *double* fag-hag! I'm *never* going to get a bloke!

<lights fade>


================================================================


Scene 4: School hall, before last French exam.

Scenery is sparse, a poster or benches (perhaps modifications of the beds) to indicate a school hallway. The hallway runs down each side of the stage, so entrances and exits must be made at the front and back of the stage. This is awkward, creative directors will think of something much better :-)

At all times, the mindspace characters are vaguely mimicing the actions of their counterparts, unless otherwise stated.

<L and B walk on, carrying books etc. and making below-audible conversation; this is their first audible sentence>

BOI: I think they're going to ask us to analyze <french pronounciation> Robert's motivations. Mrs. Williams has been hinting that.

<Be walks onto stage from opposite end>

LEZ: I dunno. I was hoping there'd be something on the role of Jacqueline, she's more interesting.
BEN: Hi, Lez!
LEZ: Hi.
BOI: Hi Ben.
BEN: Hi.
BEN: Have you heard about the party at my house?
LEZ: No... what party?
BEN: <somewhat flustered> I'm having an end-of-school party at my house after our last exam on Friday. It's um, at my house, you know where that is?

[BOI] What am I, scenery? Bloody hell Ben's fit.
[LEZ] Oh god, Boi is staring! Must... keep... straight... face. Bloody hell, Ben is really fit.
[BEN] What's the deal between her and Boi? Are they together? Am I making an arse of myself? Dammit, she probably thinks I'm an idiot. She's trying not to laugh! Oh well, she's invited now...
[BOI] <to [BEN]> You're beautiful, did you know that?
[BEN] Duh. I've only been told a couple hundred times. You really should control your fantasies, you know.
[BOI] How come?
[BEN] You're going to miss the next part of this conversation.
[BOI] I'm sure they can be awkward without my help.
[BEN] Well then, as long as you're dreaming, shall we dance?

<[BOI] grabs [BEN] and they begin to waltz. Music might play in the background. They continue to dance as L and Be talk, B gets a glazed look as he fantasizes, but this should be quite subtle>

LEZ: I think I know your house... Whitton Street, right? I have your mobile number if I can't find it. Who's invited?
BEN: Just about everyone I know... you know, the usual crowd. Anybody who wants to come really.
LEZ: Who's paying for the drink?
BEN: Oh yeah, you should bring a few quid to chip in for that; I'm getting it. Peter's going to bring his DJ gear and I'm going to clear out the front room, so there'll be room to dance, but we'll probably be going on to Empire afterwards.
LEZ: That sounds cool. We'll be there.
BEN: Okay, great. I'll see you then. See you in the exam, Boi.

<[BOI] and [BEN] come apart>

BOI: <startled> Oh, um. Yeah. Right.

<Be walks off down the corridor>

[BEN] "We"? Boi wasn't invited! I guess they *are* together. I'm such an idiot!
[LEZ] He's really pretty, pity he's so dumb. Bringing Boi will stop him getting the wrong idea, though. I hope the others are really going to go.
[BOI] <awestruck> Good lord, his arse is *amazing*.

LEZ: Boi! Try and keep your tongue from hanging out when you look at him, would you?
BOI: Shhh! Lez!
LEZ: Look, if somebody's blowing your cover here, it's not me. You're practically standing in a puddle of testosterone.
BOI: Maybe I should donate some to James?

<James comes running down the hallway towards Lez, being extremely camp -- wrists bent, hands up, mincing at speed. He's yelling>

JAMES: Lezeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Darling!

<he flings his arms around Lez, and they begin dancing around in a circle. Lez is smiling at his antics, she finds him hilarious>
<[JAMES] has come on stage more slowly. [JAMES] approaches [BOI], walks around him, peering closely from several angles>

[JAMES] Oooh, nice. Mommy, can I have one? I promise I'll take care of it.
[BOI] Pretty eyes...
<[LEZ] Puts her hands to her head>
[LEZ] Now they're *both* staring. <sighs> Men!
[BOI] Has he noticed me looking?
[JAMES] I hope he notices me looking.

JAMES: Last exam! Last exam! It's all over! No more school! Hooray!
LEZ: I know! It's so great!
JAMES: It's not great, it's fabulous! No more shall evil tyrants rule me!
LEZ: Oh, don't be silly. You've still got the fashion industry, pop culture and AOL Time Warner.
JAMES: Too true. But we have to celebrate! We're going to F-A-G tonight, I won't take no for an answer.
LEZ: I know, I know. What time?
JAMES: Well... the exam ends at four... let's see... half an hour to get home, half an hour to eat something, an hour to bathe and think of something to wear, and three hours to get my hair into little gold-tipped spikes with wax and glitter. We won't be getting to Leicester square before nine-thirty... sound good?
LEZ: I can make that. Oh! Speaking of parties, I meant to ask, are you going to be at Ben's party on Saturday?
JAMES: Well, the bastard hadn't mentioned anything to me, but I certainly am NOW. Me and three hundred of my closest friends, now! Ooh, that bitch! How could he *possibly* have a party at this school without inviting me? I am *so* the life and soul of this institution...
LEZ: Jamesy! Don't ruin it! I've invited you now, there's no need to get stroppy. Boi and I are going.
<[JAMES] is still inspecting [BOI]>
[JAMES] and [BOI] Oh, goody!
JAMES: <melodramatic sigh> *Fine*, I'll be there. But I'm hurt that Ben didn't invite me personally, and I shall be sulking for days. <sudden mood swing as he abandons the pretence of being hurt> Ooh! And I can take Jack!
LEZ: Who's Jack?
JAMES: Oh, I have't told you! New boyfriend!
LEZ: Shagging the night before an exam! That's a bit much!
JAMES: You don't know that I shagged him! We only met last night!
LEZ: Jamesy, I *know* you.
JAMES: Fine, given, but there's no need to make unflattering assumptions. He's bloody good in bed, too.
LEZ: Slag!
JAMES: I'm not a slag! <to Boi> I'm just... sampling, until I find the right guy.
BOI: Yeah.
[BOI] "Sampling" anything that stays still long enough.
JAMES: You believe me, don't you?
LEZ: Yes, of course we believe you. So, let's hear about this Jack then!
JAMES: Oh, Jack's brilliant, he's gorgeous. I'll take him to Ben's thing Saturday -- text me the details of that, luv. And I can take him to the end of school party, too! It'll be--

<sound of mobile phone>

JAMES: Hang on, luv, got a text coming in.

<reads phone, expression of surprise>

JAMES: Uh! You complete fucker! Uhhhh!
[JAMES] <reads> "I'm having doubts. I'm not sure we're right for each other. We need to talk, call me. Jake." Dammit! And he seemed so nice!

<texts furiously back>

JAMES: <reading as he types> "TWAT"
JAMES: <thoughtful> You know, the predictive text on my phone knows the word twat? That's really quite fab. Anyway, hang on a bit more, I need to send a better reply.
JAMES: He's having "doubts". Fuck. <reading as he types> "By which you mean I'm not sucking you off right this second. Fuck you, I'm not calling you at peak rates while you think of an excuse to go on the pull again tonight. Consider yourself pre-emptively dumped."

<puts phone away>

JAMES: Scratch that, he's a complete fucker. *And* his name is Jake, apparently. I'm sure that's not what he said last night.
BOI: I've got a cousin called Jake.

[JAMES] <news anchor voice> Hello, and welcome to Non Sequiteur. This morning, we randomly mention members of our extended families. Tomorrow: cookie recipes.
[BOI] Dammit! What the hell did I say that for?
[JAMES] Despite the brainless bimbo bit, Boi's quite a catch. Pity he's straight. Unless this stare he's giving me means something.
[BOI] Oops, I'm staring again!
[LEZ] Would someone get these two a *room*, please?
[JAMES] Goodness, he's not looking away! I must have a chat with Lez.
[BOI] Dammit! He noticed! Better talk to Lez.
[JAMES] <angry> I can't believe I've just been dumped again, dammit! He seemed so nice! Why does it always turn out like this?
[LEZ] He doesn't look happy. But it's not like this hasn't happened before, after all. <sighs> It's me for another hour-long counselling session when he gets drunk tonight.

JAMES: <to L> Does he often give these newsflashes, darling? They're just fascinating.
LEZ: Don't be mean just because you're having a bad morning.
JAMES: Nothing wrong with my *morning*, honey, I was *shagging* this morning. It's my early afternoon that's turning out to be shite. God, I need a fag.
LEZ: But you've just had one! <giggles>

<J takes out cigarette, lights it while talking. Gives L a withering look>

JAMES: Oh very witty. Where's your friend, tall girl, whatshername, Saunders?
LEZ: Oi! I do not look like French!

<B is looking at his watch>

JAMES: Then stop making awful jokes. <also looks at his watch> Oh hell, is that really the time? We have an exam. I'm in no state to do an exam! I'm emotionally traumatised!
LEZ: Nip off to the psychologist and get a note then.

<they start to walk off>

JAMES: Hush up, that's enough lip from you.
LEZ: <offstage> You know you love it really. And put that bloody cigarette out, we're at school for gods' sakes!
JAMES: Don't nag! The head's stopped bugging me since I spotted him at F-A-G the other night.

<lights fade>


================================================================

Scene 5: School hall, four hours later.

Scenery as for scene 4. How economical!

[CHRIS] Welcome to Animal Kingdom, where we're observing the common computer geek in his natural habitat. Here we see a pair of geeks "chatting", a primitive ritual in which each tries to out-do the other's knowledge of current computing trivia. Unlike other species, this contest seems not to be part of a mating display of any kind, since to the best of our knowledge, no computer geek has ever successfully found a mate.

LUKE: Did you read PC Obsession this week?
MATTHEW: Yeah! Did you see that article about the new Abel 2 chip? Apparently if you overclock the new Abel to twice the rated speed, you can get a machine three times faster than the Milton 3K for half the price!
LUKE: But I heard cooling was a problem. I've heard for almost the same price you can hook up a parallel system with two of the original Abels. And you don't get the heat. Did you read the graphics card reviews? 
MATTHEW: No, not yet, I've been studying.
LUKE: Well, they benchmarked the latest petapolygon chips from Emerald Vision -- those things are just beautiful.
MATTHEW: But I thought the bus architecture was a problem? I read you get bottlenecks and the frame rate never reaches theoretical levels.

[CHRIS] Oh, he took a major blow there admitting to not knowing something, but he retaliated with a successful put-down of a stated technology!

<B walks in>

[CHRIS] Aha! A third male has joined the game. How will this affect the contest?

CHRIS: Hey.
BOI: Hi. What are you guys talking about?
LUKE: The new chip from Emerald was reviewed in PC Obsession this week.
BOI: Any good?
MATTHEW: It's brilliant! And it's only five hundred quid.
BOI: *How* much? Who can afford that?
LUKE: It's hardware. It doesn't matter how much hardware costs, nobody can ever afford it anyway. It's speed and power that matter!
MATTHEW: My parents might buy it as an end-of-school present for me.
BOI: Wow!
CHRIS: Cool.
LUKE: Excellent!

[BOI] Bastard!
[CHRIS] Wanker! Boi gets off to a bad start here, demonstrating a severe lack of deductive power. It shouldn't be hard to guess what we're talking about; you have very limited options. We could be talking about birds, computers, or footie. And since Arsenal lost three-nil last night, it's going to be days before anyone even mentions footie. But Matthew has made a crucial mistake, inspiring jealous hatred in both of his competitors. They will doubtless team up to defeat him now.

LUKE: I can't wait for the final exam. I want to be free!
MATTHEW: This summer is going to be so good. Nothing to do for three months!
BOI: Speaking of the end of term, are you two going to Ben's party?
MATTHEW: Are there going to be birds at Ben's party?
LUKE: Are you daft? Where Ben goes, birds follow in bloody great waves of really tight dresses! It's amazing. So look, lads, Friday night is the first night of a long summer to be single in. We are *not* going to be single all summer again. Friday night we are *on* *the* *pull*, okay?
BOI: I thought you weren't single anymore anyway, Luke? That girl you pulled last week?
MATTHEW: Oh yeah! <laughs> The lovely Lucy! <cups hands to mouth, making a noise like a siren> Ming! Ming! Ming!
LUKE: Shut up, Matthew. It didn't last long. She turned out to be a bit of a lager bird.
BOI: A what?
MATTHEW: Lager bird. Not to be approached on less than six pints. And a chest like a mudflat.
LUKE: At least I pulled *someone*, okay? I didn't see you going home with anybody.
MATTHEW: That's because we're *selective*. 

[CHRIS] You would probably find it easier to pull if he didn't spend the entire evening standing in a corner of the club with Boi talking about graphics cards. Idiot. And clearly the way Luke said at the time she made him laugh and "really understood where he was coming from" is secondary to the size of her tits. She dumped him.
[BOI] Why the hell do we call girls "birds"? It doesn't make any sense. You get *male* birds.

MATTHEW: But it doesn't matter anyway, because there'll be plenty of selection at Ben's party. He's some kind of magnet for clitorides.
LUKE: For whats?
MATTHEW: Clitorides. You know, plural of clitoris? Same root as octopus, octopedes.
CHRIS: I don't think you're pronouncing it right, though.
BOI: It doesn't sound like a body part, it sounds like a new attraction at Acton Park. "Come one, come all to the fabulous clitoride!"
LUKE: See the vagina of doom!
MATTHEW: Ride the cracks of butt mountain!
CHRIS: (Now merged with the tunnel of love)
BOI: Thrill on the waterslide at penis park!
LUKE: Ride a sperm-cell shaped foam matt down to an enormous towel!

<all laugh>

CHRIS: We're so full of flower.
LUKE: Flower?
CHRIS: Long story.

<B is giving C a funny look as L walks on>

LEZ: Boi!

<B runs over>
<they are walking back towards the four boys as they talk>

BOI: Hi!
LEZ: Ha! I am officially no longer a student! I am now a proud member of the unemployed!
BOI: Now you have only three short years of university until you get your degree in languages. Then you can be *permanently* unemployed. Joy!
CHRIS: If you're lucky, you can even... dum-dum <game show host voice> GO... ON... THE... DOLE! Wow! What an exciting future lies ahead of you!
LEZ: Don't worry about my finances. I'll marry an ex-boyband member and then divorce them for someone with a brain.
LUKE: Well, thanks, but are you sure I'll be available?
LEZ: You guys do hang out a lot, but that doesn't make you a boyband.
[C&B] Miaow!
[CHRIS] I *like* this chick. Oh, shit...

<J walks in, celebrating. [Optional throwaway: carrying boombox playing "Holiday" by Madonna]>
<J is singing along>
<C catches sight of James and exits>

LEZ: Jamesy! Did you really bring your stereo to school just so you could make a spectacle of yourself?

<J is dancing around L>
<M is looking uncomfortable, Lu is looking amused>

JAMES: Lezzie! Darling! What better reason is there to do *anything*? School's out! Come on, let's boogie! It's camp night at F-A-G! Go baby, go baby!
MATTHEW: <mutters, but loudly> Fucking queer.
[LEZ] Oh no.
[CHRIS] Not again...
[BOI] Oh no... please don't...
[JAMES] Oh god, oh god, oh god....
JAMES: <spins round> Pardon me?
MATTHEW: You heard me, faggot. Do you know how stupid you look?
[JAMES] What's wrong? Do I look ridiculous? What am I doing wrong? Just leave me alone....
JAMES: Better blatant than latent, honey. And if we're talking appearances, babes, you're no oil painting. At least I have *panache*. But of course, you don't know that word. Quick hint: panache is not a kind of pancake or any other form of breakfast food.
LEZ: <warning> Matt...
MATTHEW: That's *Matthew*. And tell this pervert not to address himself to me. Why do you tolerate him?
LEZ: He's a damn sight more fun than you. Now give it a rest, would you?
[BOI] Why the hell can't he just call himself Matt like a normal person? I've never met anyone so uptight in my life.
[JAMES] <upset> Please stop... don't be mean to me...
JAMES: <flippant> Address myself to you? Look, Mr. Thew, I wouldn't even address a postcard to you. What the hell is your problem?
MATTHEW: My problem is you make me sick, you and all your faggot friends, mincing around and offending decent people. Why can't you perverts just get it round your heads that nobody likes you, nobody normal wants you around in our world, so just go away?
[JAMES]: <crying> I *am* normal!
JAMES: Are you hearing yourself speak, you arsehole? What decade, what century do you think this is? Hello, Mr. Christian Fundamentalist, this is the new millenium calling... it's okay to be gay, boyo! Who else would host children's TV?
MATTHEW: Just because you people have managed to twist the minds of gullible fools into thinking you're somehow okay doesn't make you valid, you freak. You're a biological error, and for all your showing off and shouting and bright lights and fun, you know you'll never breed, your genes will end here. To lie with another man is an abomination. You're doomed to evolutionary failure, and the insecurity of that kills you.
LUKE: Cool it, mate!
LEZ: Matthew, that's enough!

<[JAMES] falls to the floor, sobbing>

JAMES: <still flippant> You see, sir, this is where you've got confused. The freak here is *you*. Everyone else on the planet has already figured out that "different" is not the same as "abnormal", but you and your whole entire fucking church are still trying to churn out identical, god-loving, donation-paying sheep. If gay people were evolutionary errors, then evolution would have weeded us out a million years ago. What's killing YOU is that deep down, you know you NEED us. We run your society, and we run your church. We write your plays and make your art and sing your music, we even preach your fag-bashing bible, and all the other things that make your miserable existence bearable, and just because you're too chickenshit to admit that you're a fag yourself--
MATTHEW: That's it!

<M lunges at J, who backs off rapidly.>

LEZ: For fuck's sake! Do something!

<L tries to jump between M and J, pushing them apart>
<Lu grabs at M from behind and pulls him off J, spinning him around. Lu slaps M, hard, once on the face>

MATTHEW: <shocked> What the fuck is that for?
LUKE: Mate, you are out of order. I don't care what your views are, but fucking keep them to yourself, alright?
LEZ: Jamesy, you know better than to provoke him.
JAMES: He deserved it.
MATTHEW: <shouting> You'll always be a fucking queer!
JAMES: I know, aren't I lucky? And you'll always be screwed up.
[JAMES] <still crying> You bastard! You fucking bastard!
LUKE: Alright, that's enough. We're going. Lez, can you two get him home please before the head finds out about this?
LEZ: Right. Thanks Luke. Come on, James. Boi, you coming?
BOI: Sure.

<the two groups split up and exit from opposite ends of the stage, [JAMES] is still crying>

<lights fade>


================================================================


Scene 6: Ben's party

Lights come up on an already-full stage, there should be party-ish music in the background (probably dance or trance to avoid lyrics confusing the dialogue, unless the lyrics complement the scene in some way). Extras might be used to crowd the stage to give the impression of a party, and have them missing in mindspace to indicate they are not important characters. This might be difficult, though, so it is up to the director. In particular, there should be at least one extra girl in the main circle of characters, since most of these people are supposed to be straight, and Lez is otherwise the only one girl in the circle :-). Matthew should be a conspicuous absence.

[BEN] Lez is looking at me! I wonder if she's noticed my new shirt?
[LEZ] I hope I still look okay after running for the bus. And Ben better not spend the whole evening chasing after me.
[JAMES] God, I look fabulous tonight. Boi better notice me, or this will have been a complete waste of effort. Ugh! What a straight, straight, *straight* party! Do these people *ever* enjoy themselves? When do people start taking their tops off?
[BOI] Ben's got a new shirt! God he looks hot.
[CHRIS] Why the heck does everyone always dance standing in a circle? Do we lose control of our feet or something?

<B is standing quite far from L, so he gets out his phone and sends her a text message>

[BOI] I have a mobile phone! Now I feel like a genuine homosexual. Have you seen Ben's new shirt?

<pause as B puts his phone away and L looks startled (her phone is on vibrate :-) and gets hers out>

[LEZ] Get between me and Ben! I don't want him getting the wrong idea. Also, do you realise how daft it is to send text messages across five feet?

<another pause, then B moves over to the other side of L from Ben>

BOI: <whispers> If I got between you and Ben, then I wouldn't be able to *see* Ben!
LEZ: <whispers> Boi! You promised! Are you drunk or something?
BOI: <giggles> Just a little bit! Too many breezers! James looks hot tonight too!
LEZ: Boi, you're staring again! James asked me about you.
BOI: Asked about what?
LEZ: Asked if you were gay.
BOI: You didn't tell him! <squeaks> Eeek! God, did I just make that noise? I've only been out for eight days and already I'm camp as tits.
LEZ: Don't worry, you were pretty camp beforehand anyway, Material Boy.
BOI: Being a fan of the world's greatest female solo artist does not make me camp!
LEZ: But learning the dance moves from every video does.
BOI: I bet James knows all the dances moves for Steps!
LEZ: Yes, but James is the campest person I've ever met!
BOI: Damn.
LEZ: Anyway, no, I didn't tell him. I denied it, but said "as far as I know". He still suspects. Possibly because you're so camp. <giggles>
BOI: I'm *not* *camp*!
LEZ: Look! A flying ham! Give it up.

[JAMES] Alright, that's one stare too many. Time for operation Fresh Meat. <soldier-in-the-field voice> Commence manoeuvres!

<J moves over the circle between L and B>

JAMES: Hello, hot stuff. I've seen you looking.
[JAMES] <soldier-in-the-field voice> We're sending our troops in, sir, and the enemy is looking formidable. Good news, though, sir, he appears to be entirely spot-free, even under strobelights. We suspect the enemy makes considerable use of Clearasil.
[LEZ] Oh god, he's trying to look innocent, but he's just looking drunk instead.
BOI: Looking? At who?
[JAMES] <soldier-in-the-field voice> They're employing evasive maneuvres, sir! We'll try a sneak attack.
JAMES: At Ben, actually. But with occasional side glances at me. Thanks for that, by the way. Very self-esteem boosting, playing second fiddle to a badly-dressed straight boy with a room temperature IQ.
BOI: He's not badly dressed!
[JAMES] <soldier-in-the-field voice> A hit! A very palpable hit, sir! We've got them on the run!
[BOI] Dammit! I'm too drunk for this shit. Backpedal!
JAMES: Not that you'd know whether he's badly dressed or not, since you weren't staring.
BOI: I was just saying that based on what I've just seen of him. You know, he doesn't look too badly dressed. He's got an okay shirt, I guess, and a tie. Anyway, look who's talking, Queen of the Sleeveless Tops.
[JAMES] <soldier-in-the-field voice> The enemy is being a complete bitch, sir! Deploy the secret weapon!
JAMES: I suppose you're right. The tie's got blue, that matches his eyes.
BOI: No, he's got green eye--
[BOI] Dammit dammit dammit!
[JAMES] <soldier-in-the-field voice> Goal, sir! <pauses>
	Shit, aren't we supposed to be soldiers? <pauses>
	What the hell, screw the war analogy! Goal! Six runs! Home run! Slam dunk! Game, set and match!
JAMES: Gotcha! You *have* been staring. There's no sense denying it, it's not like I *mind*.
[BOI] Oh, what the hell...
BOI: Okay, but how did you know?
JAMES: I didn't, until you just gave the game away. You're gorgeous, you know that?
BOI: Whatever.
JAMES: I mean it. I'm *me*, I don't go throwing compliments around when a criticism will do!
BOI: Unless you're getting a shag out of it.
<J feigns shock (in a camp sort of way)>
JAMES: How could you possibly accuse me of being so manipulative? Besides, why would I want to shag someone if I don't even find them attractive enough to compliment them?
BOI: I dunno, maybe you're the kind of guy that shags anything that moves?
[BOI] God you're cute...
JAMES: Hey! Have you been listening to Lez or something?
BOI: It seems like a good idea. I've heard enough to know you're not that selective.
JAMES: That is *so* unfair. Just because I'm active doesn't mean I'm not selective! I believe in quality *and* quantity.
BOI: From what I've heard, you think quantity *is* quality.
[JAMES] Goodness! An argument! Bubble-boy has a brain as well! I'm really looking *forward* to this, brainy shags are *so* much more creative.

<J is beginning to get closer to B as they dance>

JAMES: Look, I'm *very* selective. The fact that I can still find someone whenever I want just means that I'm hot property too! For example, right now *you* have an erection.
BOI: What?!
[BOI] Does it show?!
JAMES: If I were any closer, I could probably feel it.
[BOI] So pretty...
BOI: Not so close! There are people around!
JAMES: Then let's go outside.
BOI: People will see!
JAMES: See what? Two people leaving the room? Oh, gosh, that's criminal that is! The whole room is not following our movements and our conversation, Boi, except Lez --
	<leans over towards Lez, who has been eavesdropping>
and she can mind her own bloody business I think!
LEZ: <feigns innocence> Who, me? I'm not doing anything!
JAMES: We're just going outside. Back in a bit, probably.
[JAMES] Although not if I have anything to say about the matter.	
BOI: Just to talk!
LEZ: Yeah, right. You're tongue's hanging out again, Boi.
JAMES: Come on!
[JAMES] <NBA announcer voice> He shoots, he *scores*! <makes victory signs>

<They go outside: James is half-dragging Boi. They head towards the centre of the stage, and go through a "door" there, passing into the other half of the stage. Their mirror images pass very close to them and jump into the other half of the stage simultaneously. As this goes on, the other characters on stage file swiftly off in all directions.>

<if possible, B should end up leaning against a wall, with J leaning in towards him>

BOI: It's nearly as hot out here as it was in there!
JAMES: Sorry, what's that you were saying about me being hot?
BOI: I didn't say you were hot.
JAMES: But you meant to. Come on, admit it, you find me attractive.
BOI: Why would I say that?
JAMES: Oh, Boi, I'm sorry, I forget that you're only just leaving the straight world. In the gay community we have this thing called "foreplay". That's where we make polite conversation until one of us decides to snog the other one. It's not logical conversation, and arguing a point kind of kills the mood, okay? But I'll forgive you, since you've *clearly* never done this before, which is kind of sweet. But basically, this is a slightly more subtle method than hitting you over the head with a club and dragging you off to my cave. However, if you persist in being so oblivious I'm not above using that as a fallback method, 'cause I've run out of "E" and you're not holding a drink for me to put it in anyway.
BOI: Look, I'm not going to let you snog me, so you can forget it!
JAMES: I'm not *trying* to snog you, Boi.
BOI: You're not?
[BOI] <disappointed> Awww! Why not?
JAMES: I'm waiting until *you* jump *me*. It won't be long now. We're alone here, there's no one to see, and you are quite obviously gagging for it. I'm damn sure you've never snogged a bloke before. In fact, I'm pretty sure you've never snogged *anyone* before. And as I said, you're pretty fit, so I have no objections.
BOI: Do you really take E?
[JAMES] Dammit, don't change the topic, cutestuff! Snog me already!
JAMES: What did I say about rational conversation? <sighs> To be honest, I've tried it, but it's not worth the money, and if anybody's offering you some for free, then run like hell. Are you not even curious what it's like?
BOI: E? Not really. I'm completely pissed as it is, and I've only had a few drinks.
JAMES: No, I meant snogging a bloke.
BOI: Not really....
[BOI] Oh yes...

<J leans in very close now, they are almost touching>

JAMES: You're lying. I can tell. You're breathing faster, your pupils are dilated. I can practically smell it.
[JAMES] Although that might just be vodka.
JAMES: You know you want to.
BOI: I know I want <stumbles> I know you want me to.
JAMES: Bullshit. You want it so bad you can barely think straight. I can remember being like you. I remember being desperate to know what it was like. What lips would feel like against mine, how good it would feel to be so close to someone. I'm more than experienced enough to make your first time amazing.

<long pause as they look into each others' eyes. J puts an arm around B>

[BOI] Oh, what the hell....

<they kiss> [Hee hee... let the straight actors squirm... let's see some tongue! :->]

<lights fade>

[BOI] <offstage> Oh... wow....


================================================================


Scene 7:

End-of-term party, one week later. Scene looks suspiciously similar to Ben's party, but is supposedly somewhere entirely different. People should be slightly more formally dressed, perhaps. Lights should once again come up on a crowded real-world with the main characters present, including Matthew. Lez and Boi are not yet on stage.

<L and B walk onto stage, arm in arm, talking>

BOI: What the hell am I going to say when I see James?
LEZ: Just talk... naturally.
BOI: Naturally! He hasn't spoken to me in a week! He didn't call!
LEZ: Well, you didn't call *him* either. And you weren't exactly heartbroken that he didn't call, either. I seem to recall quotes along the lines of "Oh my god, oh my god, what was I thinking" in fact.
BOI: It's the principle of the thing! Anyway, he made the first move, it's his duty!
LEZ: Oh don't be silly. You can't inflict gender stereotypes when you're both the same gender! I don't like having this conversation, Boi. You're both my friends, I won't take sides. He won't tell me anything either, except that "it was fun".
BOI: <sarcastic> Oh, well I'm glad he enjoyed himself. Do come again to Boi's drive-thru love life. Free virginities with every order.
LEZ: Nobody forced you to do anything!
BOI: He took advantage of my drunken state!
LEZ: You stuck your tongue down his throat! You didn't have to do that!
BOI: But--
LEZ: <interrupts> Hang on, Boi. Am I just showing my schizoid paranoia here, or are rather a lot of people paying us rather a lot of attention?
BOI: I dunno... hi guys!

<they have met up with Lu, M and C. As B and L approach, M moves swiftly away>

[BOI] What's his problem now? James is all the way over there.
LUKE: Uh... hi Boi, hi Lez.
CHRIS: Hiya.
LEZ: Why are you guys looking so uncomfortable? What's wrong?
LUKE: <quickly> Nothing.
BOI: And what's Matthew's problem? Is he still upset about last Wednesday? Why is he angry at *us* about that?
CHRIS: It's not... exactly that.
LUKE: Um... Boi... can we ask you a question? A personal question?
[LEZ] Uh-oh
[BOI] What?!
BOI: Yeah... sure. What is it?
LUKE: Boi... are you really a... are you really gay?
[BOI] <screams>

<J has come up behind L and B. He tickles L from behind, she spins round. J kisses her on both cheeks and she automatically reciprocates, this is a customary way they greet each other. B has turned around and is looking furiously at J. J is flippant, he knows what the problem is. He pecks B quickly on cheek, as B tries to duck away>

JAMES: Hi babes, what's up?
BOI: <furious> I can't believe you told them! Who did you tell?
JAMES: Why, *everyone*, darling! I didn't tell them *much*, mind. Just the bare essentials. I told them we slept together; I didn't say how good you were.
BOI: You... bastard! How could you! Everyone knows! Oh god...
JAMES: Look, it's really not that important...
BOI: To you! You fucker! You've ruined my life! I hate you!
LEZ: Boi! Calm down!

<the room has gone quiet at Boi's outbursts, everyone is now unabashedly looking at the arguing pair. L is looking upset, but not intervening>

BOI: No! How can you let him get away with this? <looks around> They all know! Everybody!
JAMES: Now hang on a minute, and shut up. Boi, look at these people. They don't care! They're just surprised! Not even Mr. Closet Case over there <points at M>
MATTHEW: Fuck you!
JAMES: ...is giving you a funny look; he's just jealous because you're OUT now and he's still a screwed-up shithead. You're free! No more covering up your words and hiding your glances! Ben doesn't care that you think he's hot! And what a painless way to come out, to have someone do it for you, answer all the questions, get it all done in a week! You should be thanking me!
BOI: It's my right to tell them, not yours! You're just being a bitch! And I don't know why, what did I do to you? I didn't hurt you, you dumped me!
JAMES: Oh shut up! You don't want me! Look at me! I'm a scene queen, spinning in stupid social circles, shagging anyone I can get my paws on until I die of an overdose or catch HIV when I'm drunk. You'd have dumped me inside of a week, I've just made it easy for you -- again! We had sex, it was fun, I taught you stuff that you'll find really useful later on, like what guys really do in bed, and what to talk about afterwards. You're smarter than me as far as I can tell, you're calmer than me, you want somebody more like him <pointing at Chris>, although you'll probably have to wait ages for *him* to get his act together and get out of the closet.
[CHRIS] Oh *shit*!
JAMES: I've just solved all the problems in your life, babe, so show some fucking gratitude!

<J storms out of the room>

LEZ: Jamesy! Oh for Christ's sake. Boi!
BOI: <shaken> What?
LEZ: <points at chair> Sit! Stay! Good fag!

<L runs out after J. B slumps into the chair and puts his face in his hands. Lu comes slowly towards B, stoops awkwardly to talk to him.>

LUKE: Boi... it really is okay you know. We don't care. It's cool.
BOI: Oh... thanks. Really?
LUKE: Yeah. One of my cousins is a lesbian, we've known for a long time, we're used to it. She brings her girlfriend to family reunions and stuff. It's fine.
BOI: Ben?
BEN: Yeah?
BOI: I'm... sorry.
BEN: No need to apologize. I'm not, y'know, inclined that way. But I'm flattered.
BOI: Oh. <grins> God, this is so embarrassing.
CHRIS: Don't see why. Nothing to be embarrassed about.
LUKE: Um... Chris? What did James just say about you?
<B raises his head quickly to look at C>
CHRIS: Oh, yeah, Luke, there's something you must know.
LUKE: What?
CHRIS: Luke... I am your father.
<all laugh>
BOI: Is that all? Really?
<they look at each other for a few seconds>
CHRIS: Oh, flower.
BOI: Jake? I knew that wasn't your name!
CHRIS: <grins> You idiot. You should have worked that out when I let it slip that I knew James!
BOI: You covered yourself well. But how does James know about you?
CHRIS: Let's just say you and I have something in common, as far as James is concerned.
BOI: You didn't!
CHRIS: Of course I did. It's James! Everyone has!
BOI: Then why didn't you *say* something? Why didn't he tell everyone about *you*?
CHRIS: The same reason you never told me, in real life. I was too scared. James is right, he's done all the hard stuff for you, you lucky bastard <he grins>. And James didn't tell everyone about me because he isn't as dumb as he likes to make out. I told him I didn't want him to tell anyone at school, and he didn't. You, on the other hand, really did want everyone to know.
BOI: But I wasn't ready! This was the worst possible time!
CHRIS: There's *never* a good time. It's always tomorrow, or next week, or university, or after university, or after your parents are dead, or never. I know. But you have to start sometime.
BOI: Oh god, I just don't know what to do now...
CHRIS: Well... as long we're dreaming, shall we dance?

<cue good current dance song -- whatever is the favourite when the play is put on :-)>
<lights fade>

[This is, like, the end of the play. Dude.]